Why I Am Writing

I overthink, analyze, ruminate, and force the people closest to me to listen to my unusual fixations and interpretations. Reading and writing were never major hobbies in my life, but I always enjoyed them when the opportunity presented itself. As a child, I looked forward to reading a good book or writing a story, but as both became assignments piled on top of an increasingly busy schedule, much of the passion dwindled. Even so, I still found enjoyment out of writing assigned papers throughout high school and college, and I often turned to journaling to cope with my thoughts. 

That changed after graduating from college as a student-athlete. For the first time in what felt like forever, I had an abundance of free time and fewer distractions. Around this same time, I deleted TikTok and Instagram from my phone after admitting to myself that my brain could not consume those apps in a healthy way. With time to fill, I naturally gravitated towards reading and writing. It did not take long to realize how much I enjoy examining and discussing books, articles, and other texts, and then putting those thoughts into my own words for me to revisit and share with others. 

The only other way in which I imagined sharing my thoughts was through YouTube videos, but when recording, I always felt like I couldn’t ramble on long enough to express everything I was thinking. It never felt entirely comfortable, and the process itself didn’t feel enjoyable for me to create or engage with. Instead, my videos naturally became more visual and montage-style than conversational. As much as I enjoy making these, they never became the space for expression that I originally wanted them to be. Over the past couple of months, I have been writing book reviews, summaries of what I’ve read, or just a couple of pages of my thoughts. I’ve started realizing that writing is becoming the way I process my thoughts and express myself. 

Rather than focusing on one topic, these posts will be a collection of whatever has occupied my mind. Some months that might be books, music, or movies; other months it might be travel, volleyball, research rabbit holes, or simply the thoughts I can’t seem to let go of. Think of this as a collection of the ideas, thoughts, and experiences that have captured my attention and shaped my perspective.

How I Started to Love Learning

I am someone who fully immerses herself into niche interests for a couple of months, maybe they change my life, maybe not, but then, I drop them like they never happened. The hyperfixation that introduced my adult self to reading books was the film Wicked: For Good. 

When Wicked came out, I saw it in theaters and fell in love. The Wickified dictionary, the beautiful contrast of two unexpected colors, the majestic voices, the real-world set, and of course, the story itself, had me obsessed. Just half a year later, my mother and I traveled to New York City for spring break, and luckily, Wicked was showing on Broadway. Tears filled my eyes while I smiled in awe throughout, watching the fantastic actors and actresses portray the thrillifying story of Wicked. 

After seeing Wicked: For Good, I felt a strong urge to read Gregory Maguire’s Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West. Why I had this urge is unbeknownst to me as I had read maybe five books in my college years. I remember going to Barnes & Noble and sitting on the bench with this novel, reading the first couple of pages and noting at least seven to eight words per page that I hadn’t a clue about. I sat there, debating whether I was capable of reading it, eventually leaving without purchasing the book. As I should have expected, Wicked would not leave my mind. I needed to experience another version of this world, so I put it on my Christmas list, and thankfully, my grandmother gifted me the book a couple of weeks later. 

Around the time I received Wicked was when I decided to play professional volleyball. The 9-to-5 job I was working at was great, but I didn’t feel committed, and because I wasn’t and still am not sure of my career path, I thought taking the opportunity to live abroad while finding my path would be worth it. I moved to Puerto Rico in January and spent three to four months playing volleyball, exploring, and honestly, lounging around. I read and finished Wicked in January, keeping a personal dictionary of the 200-300 words I had never before heard of. In case you are wondering, the book is immensely different from both the play and the movie, and it ends much more tragically. I absolutely loved reading this book, and at the time, I thought it was just the most tremendous thing to exist. I later found out that this book is not necessarily my cup of tea. Not to mention that the reading level that Wicked sits at was and is too advanced for me. However, despite not becoming my favorite book, it introduced me to the power of the written word. 

Just two books later, I picked up Talk to Me by T.C. Boyle, and this fantastic book solidified the genre I prefer as well as introduced me to literature about animals and the natural world. Talk to Me is a literary fiction book, which, if you are uncertain as to what that means (I had no idea), it refers to a type of novel that focuses much more on character development and overarching themes rather than the most intense and twisting plot. This book was addictive. I could not stop thinking about how the main characters would progress and what the author was trying to portray. Talk to Me is about a professor and a student volunteer who attempt to teach a baby chimpanzee how to communicate using ASL. Reading about ethical dilemmas, cross-species communication, and how individual failures can impact research left me thirsty for more. 

I started conducting personal research about chimpanzees and other intelligent species. I began writing about what I had researched in conjunction with my personal opinions. I owned a journal previously, but did not really start journaling daily until around this time. For some reason, whether it was the literary fiction genre, the subject of animal intelligence, or a combination of both, this book kickstarted my passion for writing and fine-tuned my interests. Following this book, I read Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt as well as The Dolphin House by Audrey Schulman, both of which became some of my favorites and pushed me to research and write even more. 

Now, I am reading my twelfth book, and I feel as though reading and writing, as well as simply researching topics I am interested in (and not burning out ten sentences in like I had my entire life before), are the most revolutionary additions to my life. All of which are skills that we are all taught young, but years of school and work slowly pushed me away from practicing them. I have found a true passion for learning, and I can confidently say that I haven’t felt this same passion before. I don’t believe anyone could have told me that I needed to start reading and writing to get me to do so. This requires intrinsic motivation, and I thank the Wicked world for igniting a spark in me to pick up a book. 

Some Recent Favorite Outfits: 

Media Consumption

I mentioned earlier that I do not have social media on my phone. Therefore, the media I consume is fully chosen by me and on a much smaller scale than what I used to consume. I’ve realized that media is more than scrolling on an app; it’s the music I listen to, the books I read, the movies and series I watch, and everything I intentionally choose to bring into my life. 

Having social media on my phone is damaging for me in ways that may be unique to me. To state the obvious, my attention span was on the floor and my comparison was through the roof. I struggled to watch anything but 20-minute sitcom episodes. I hated doing anything in silence, I struggled to focus during schoolwork. I compared my looks, my personality, my financial situation, and my social life to everyone else’s. These are issues I know many people struggle with. Unfortunately for me, they affected me more than fleeting thoughts ever could. The biggest reason I decided to eliminate social media was the immense guilt I felt each time I scrolled and its proficiency in gluing me to my bed and stealing every ounce of my motivation. I now love all that I consume because I actively choose what I want to see when I want to see it. I can thank this decision for increasing my curiosity, my energy levels, my mental health, and my individuality.  

Music

Like so many people, I love music and have spent much of my life searching for music, creating playlists, and simply analyzing it. I don’t listen to every genre, but I listen to a fairly wide range. I’ve been in a slump of late, struggling to find a new niche to dive into, a new album to obsess over. Finally, I have introduced myself to a new world that I have only scratched the surface of: 80s new wave. My favorite song archetype has a great melody over an even better beat, preferably with extended instrumental sections where the band or the beat plays without vocals. I love songs that allow me to focus on the instrumentation and experience the music beyond the lyrics. 

After discovering a Spotify playlist full of 80s music, I discovered so many new songs and rediscovered multiple songs I had heard before. Most importantly, I found myself obsessing over the Naked Eyes album. I had already known “Promises, Promises” and “Always Something There to Remind Me,” but the rest were unknown to me. I enjoyed almost the entirety of the album and have been listening to it repeatedly, actively looking for opportunities to listen again. I love how long the songs are, the strange sounds and instruments used to create the beats, and how well the album encourages me to just sit back and enjoy. With this discovery, I have been playing “Cruel Summer” by Bananarama and have explored that album a bit, finding a few songs that I am loving. “Cruel Summer,” “Link,” and “King of the Jungle” are three phenomenal positive and catchy songs that encapsulate girlhood in a beautiful way. I have listened to some A-ha. My favorite song is “Living a Boy’s Adventure Tale.” In middle school, I played the oboe in our school band (if you don’t know what the oboe is, Megan from Drake & Josh played the oboe…if you haven’t watched that, I can’t help you). This song caused my jaw to hit the floor because the oboe was featured throughout the entire song. It is an obvious favorite. I have many other albums, artists, and bands to explore and I look forward to diving even deeper.

What’s On Repeat:

open.spotify.com/jordaniliff 

Obsession (Spoilers! If you haven’t and want to watch it, skip ahead)

We must talk about Obsession, the new horror movie featuring Indie Navarrette and Michael Johnston. What a damn good movie. Let me first say, I avoid horror movies completely. I have watched fewer than five total in my life and I do not plan on inflating that number. However, Obsession was incredible: it was thought-provoking, confusing, both scary and humorous, and filmed and cast perfectly. Aesthetically, this movie looked great. I loved the dark, eerie lighting, constantly making me wonder when and where Nikki may pop out next. As for the cast, Indie was the perfect casting for Nikki and I am loving all of the support she is getting in response to this movie. Her body movements, facial expressions, and ability to make you both fear her and root for her are impressive. Bear looked exactly like the type of guy he was: an insecure wimpy, and selfish young man. He was somehow both likable and unlikable, making you initially pity him before slowly realizing that his self-absorption was the true source of the chaos.

A majorly thought-provoking idea in Obsession is how aware Nikki was while the entity was controlling her. Some people feel that when the entity takes over, the real Nikki ceases to exist. Another theory is that Nikki’s soul is trapped somewhere, powerless and unable to stop the entity. The theory that resonates most with me is that both Nikki and the entity are present, but the entity controls her actions. Nikki wrote “not me” on photos of them together, told Bear while sleeping that she had never dated him, begged Bear to end her life to stop her real-life nightmare, and jerked back and stared at him in disbelief during their first kiss. I felt like her sudden outbursts of terror and subtle hints show that she was aware of what was happening deep down.

As for the opinion we’re all thinking: Bear was the one obsessed with Nikki. Even at the beginning, he never really knew her or appreciated what made her special. The most definitive moment showcasing his blatant lack of remorse was when he called One Wish Willow. Bear asked if he could make Nikki like him as a friend, and at that moment, he was a clear villain. He didn’t care about saving her, but cared about saving himself. He didn’t end her life or his own in time to stop what he caused. He didn’t ask for help from his friends or from the store soon enough. He allowed the situation to continue on and reaped the benefits of having a girlfriend when he chose, running away when he was scared. Bear was obsessed with the idea of Nikki and what she provided him, not with Nikki herself. He ignored her feelings, autonomy, and the suffering he left her trapped in. This movie’s edge is that the villain isn’t the one doing the killing, but the one allowing it. The main victim is the one who must live on with all she has done. This movie has left me deep in thought for weeks and  while I still don’t think horror is for me, Obsession was much more than a horror movie and is certainly an obsession of mine.  

A Tree Grows In Brooklyn

The last piece of media I will discuss is A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith. This is my latest read and is by far the best book I have ever read. I genuinely worry that no other novel can feel as relatable, immersive, and honest as this one. This book is lengthy, with my copy being 620 pages. I worried that this book might feel repetitive or drag on in certain sections. As this book follows Francie throughout her teenage years, I felt I truly got to know her and her story and her family, none of which felt irrelevant or boring in any way. I adored every character that was introduced. Each one contained humor, sadness, strengths, flaws, and personal stories that truly added to their own character as well as Francie and her development. The emotions explored through each character felt honest and relatable. Financial struggles and anxiety, shame, loneliness, curiosity, doubt, existential fear, but also, gratitude, connection, amusement, joy, and love were so clearly transmitted to the reader through the conversations, stories, and everyday life we got to experience. This book, despite being about a family scraping by, death, and unfair opportunity, was still full of hope. Not through empty platitudes, but instead by showing you that you are not alone in struggling, there is beauty in turmoil, and any day alive is a day to be grateful for. Watching not only Francie but Neely, Johnny, Katie, and their family and friends evolve throughout was entertaining. However, watching the relationships between each of these characters evolve was more than entertaining. It was honest, touching, and a beautiful reminder that your family and close inner circle are what matter most. This book is a classic for a reason and will maintain that status for centuries to come despite being set in an era over a century removed from our own. 

A Few of My Recent Screenshots

From Columbia, Missouri, to Stuttgart, Germany

Columbia, Missouri, truly has my heart. I grew up just two hours away in Saint Louis, Missouri, and despite having spent my entire childhood there, Columbia is my home. I love everything about this town. It is full of nature, and even in the heart of Columbia, I feel connected to our Earth. Trees and greenery grow everywhere, and if you want a beautiful spot to sit and enjoy the view or a trail to walk, you can find one within a ten-minute drive. The size of Columbia is perfect. It is big enough to have all that you could want–a mall, a Target, all sorts of restaurants and bars, different activities, a great downtown, a wide array of people, and plenty of nature reserves to explore. But it is not too big, which is how Saint Louis felt. Living in South County, any delicious restaurant, fun bar, scenic trailhead, or cool activity felt so far away. There was nothing to look at but gas stations and fast food within a twenty-minute radius surrounding my home, and I felt so small and disconnected from both people and the Earth. Columbia truly opened my eyes, helping me recognize how impactful one’s setting can be in shaping their life.

About seven or eight months ago, I decided that I needed to push myself physically, mentally, and socially and start my professional volleyball career. I knew that staying in Columbia and working the 9-to-5 job I landed wasn’t enough. I wanted to explore and travel, I wanted to meet people of different backgrounds and experience other cultures, and I was not ready to give up the athletic body I worked for throughout college, and I knew I needed a change in my social life. Moving to Puerto Rico for three months renewed me, bringing me confidence, curiosity, and inner peace. While there, I signed a contract to play in Stuttgart, Germany, and in just a month, I will be settling into a new city, apartment, team, and life.

I knew signing the contract would bring up some anxiety, as I have always been an anxious person. Even though this opportunity is an absolute dream and a privilege, the closer the move gets, the more anxious I feel. Obviously, moving to a city and country that I’ve never visited is scary for anyone, but my attachments to people, places, and things are bringing out more intense feelings. 

Leaving Columbia breaks my heart, but I have to remind myself that Columbia will be here when I return and isn’t going anywhere. This town has become my safe place, it is difficult to imagine leaving the comfort and familiarity I’ve built here. I know that Stuttgart will bring me new favorite spots and potentially have features I wish were in Missouri, but it won’t be my safe haven. 

I have worried a lot about leaving my friends and family. I am sad to leave the friends and connections I have made in Columbia. While I know I will only be gone for a year, a year is still a long time. People grow, life changes, and I worry about the moments I will miss and how different everything might feel when I return. Family is a whole different feeling. I know they will always be by my side, but missing out on an entire year of their lives weighs heavily on me. My little brother is starting school at Mizzou and moving to Columbia just as I leave. After living apart from Ian for the past five years, I would have loved to finally share a city with him again. I am disappointed that I won’t get to experience his college years alongside him.

My older brother, Drew, is also beginning an exciting new chapter with a new job. It feels like we’ve only continued growing closer over the past few years, and I wish I could be nearby to celebrate his successes and continue building that relationship. Then there are my parents. As they become empty nesters, I feel both guilt and sadness knowing I won’t be here for the beginning of this new phase of their lives. They have supported every emotion I’ve had throughout this process while somehow remaining endlessly excited for me to chase this opportunity. Their encouragement makes me feel incredibly fortunate, but it also makes leaving them that much harder. I wish I could be there for them as they begin this chapter, too. Only recently have I realized how incredible it is to have a built-in support system and built-in friends through my immediate and extended family. I have always loved my family, but I don’t think I fully appreciated how special that is until recently. While I feel melancholy about leaving so many wonderful people, I also recognize what a gift it is to have so many people I care so deeply about who care just as deeply about me. If saying goodbye is this hard, then I must be surrounded by some pretty amazing people.

And finally, my things. I certainly would not consider myself materialistic, but I do have deep connections to almost every item I own. I love my clothes, my books, my pillows and stuffed animals, my decorations, my journals, my bags, my organizational items, my arts and crafts, and every random item in between. I can only bring such a small fraction of my items with me, and I truly will grieve my chunky robe, my large capybara squishmallow, my Whales of the World textbook, and my prized vintage posters. If you have seen my room, you know that it is my museum, my biggest art project, my sanctuary that acts like my personal well-oiled machine, supporting my peace and day-to-day functioning. I truly love my room more than I love most anyone or anything. This all sounds and feels so dramatic for just a year of life, but I feel so connected and sentimental about everything in my life. I believe that my sadness is a testament to how grateful I am for everything, which is such a beautiful thing. 

 While leaving things behind causes me feelings of distress, starting fresh is anxiety-inducing, too. I absolutely love connecting with other people on a deep level. But moving to a new country and joining an established team is worrisome and not something I have experience with. Throughout my adolescence and early adulthood, I have become quite socially anxious. I feel nervous before meeting new people and before spending time with someone I am not in an inner circle with. That feeling often lingers long after we’ve met. This is a focal point in my life when it comes to areas to improve. Joining a new team means accepting that I will probably feel uncomfortable and awkward at first, while recognizing that those feelings will fade over time. I have already proven to myself that I am adaptable and likable. The only person in the way of my confidence is me.

While there are a billion minute fears my brain has conjured up about this next chapter, I don’t think mentioning and debriefing each one is helpful for me or enjoyable for you. I never saw myself as a professional athlete growing up. Friends and family members would remind me frequently that I had all of the potential in the world to use volleyball to explore and travel, but because of the intensity of the sport, I grew to resent it, and I forgot all of the joys and privileges it can provide if you allow yourself to see them and if you work for it. After my junior and senior years in college, the two best years of volleyball in my life, I could feel the love come back to me. A year later, after returning to the sport, I must fight the resentment I habitually feel and remind myself of why I am here, how lucky I truly am to have this opportunity, and how exciting it is that I get to live in Germany because of a sport I almost walked away from. I have worked hard for this opportunity, and I have also been incredibly fortunate to receive it. My anxieties and fears are real, and I can’t pretend they aren’t. But how lucky am I that my biggest worry is becoming a professional athlete in Europe? 

Here is my latest YouTube video:

Final Thoughts

 I have never done anything like this before, but I have truly enjoyed working on this and creating such a personal piece of writing. Writing this first post has been therapeutic for me; writing always seems to bring out my more positive side and it promotes creative confidence. I have no idea how often I’ll continue posting or exactly what these posts will contain, but I do know they’ll be about the things that genuinely interest me. Obviously, I love to discuss my own thoughts and feelings about my life. Beyond that, I have become increasingly aware of the state of our Earth’s health. All living things are at risk, and I hope that I can inspire a few people who read this to make a few changes with the knowledge I plan to share. Because of this interest, I have started learning more about the sanctuaries on Earth and the unique, yet fascinating creatures that roam them. I have discovered I am most interested in large, intelligent mammals like primates and cetaceans. I have found that learning about them humbles me and teaches me things about myself, the animal kingdom, and humankind. I am obsessed with the books I read, and as I have yet to find a friend who will read every single book I read at the exact same pace as me, I will certainly be sharing my thoughts on the books I read here. The same goes for albums, movies, TV shows, and different forms of media that circulate in my brain. One thing I know for certain is that I change my mind all of the time. New interests pop up, and old ones dissipate completely at the blink of an eye. I hope that whichever family member, friend, or human decides to read one of these posts enjoys my thoughts and my interests. I hope this can keep us connected as I head to Germany. If anyone has read this entire eclectic and scattered post, you are a true gem, thank you.